This is more than just tiredness, more than feeling worn out… in fact it’s something completely different.
Tired would suggest you’d had a long busy day, or maybe a bad night’s sleep.
This is much more than that, much, much more.
This is a tiredness that a good night’s sleep can’t fix. And even if it could, I wouldn’t know, because for me sleep is almost non-existent. It doesn’t matter how little I’ve slept or how much I have or haven’t done that day, sleep never comes – just long dark lonely nights stuck fighting my mind, trying to fight my way through another night. This time when people are meant to heal and rest, this time that is meant to be peaceful and relaxing… not for me! Night time is a battle ground.
This is a tiredness that “taking it easy” won’t fix, because when you live with so many demons, whether you’re doing everything or doing nothing there is no peace, no quiet time, no break, no option to just “take it easy”.
Imagine a hurricane constantly flying round your mind, chucking thoughts, memories, ideas and feelings all over the place with no order and no sense and no purpose. The hurricane never stops so there is never a chance to get to these pieces; you never quite reach them before the hurricane picks them up and chucks them somewhere else. Everything in your mind is so unclear, so muddled, but there is no way to organise it because the hurricane won’t let you, it won’t stop.
This is a tiredness that feels like the heaviest weight is sitting on your shoulders, tied round your neck, chained to your ankles, dragging along behind you, making every single little thing you try and do a mammoth effort. Nothing is simple anymore.
You see someone with a broken or missing limb and you instantly want to help, because we can all see that things become so much harder with one leg, one arm, whatever bone it may be. You want to help them, you don’t like watching them struggle; you don’t expect them to carry on as they were before because … well they can’t, they’re broken! So you help them out, you make allowances, you do what you can.
But as soon as these things are invisible, people become blind. If people could see the size of this weight, if people could catch a glimpse inside my mind; if people could see how much effort, pain and fight everything took, no one would hesitate to jump in and help. No one would judge you, no one would mock you – people would just simply stop and help.
This is more than just being tired, more than just feeling worn out. This is depression.
I wrote this blog to try and put words to how it feels to be me right now! But this is just one part of the many aspects of depression and how it affects me differently at different times. More blog posts to follow …
Thank you for reading.
If you are worried about how you’re feeling and would like more information and advice on depression, go to YoungMinds website.